Once upon a time…

We met unexpectedly in a crowded, noisy nightclub. He intervened when I was being annoyed by a drunken fool. He had the darkest hair and brownest eyes. We dated for a while and we became a couple, I considered him my best friend, my side kick. He moved in with me and year later we bought a house, we were together for nearly 6 years, I was crazy about him. As time passed our direction changed.  Our expectations for the future in terms of family, marriage etc. His world at the time was work and money. Obviously I admired his work ethic but he seemed to believe that they were of paramount priority and all financials had to be accounted for and spend split, the pressure of this and the sense of its relevance over and above our relationship changed things.

Emotions, vulnerability, closeness of family wasn’t important to him. But it was a huge part of who I was. So the intricate differences seemed to start emerging. I recall one New Year’s Eve I was feeling very upset and he was in a way uncomfortable with my emotions and proceeded to get the hair dryer to dry my tears. Our arguments seemed to become deeper but I still loved him.

At time progressed I felt that we were on different paths, there were many reasons, I sought advice from friends and family. One February evening I got home from work and we sat down and I said it is not working.  I sat on the couch all that night and cried, he got up and went to work. I was devastated and moved out. Gosh it was a remarkably challenging time, I cried constantly. I recall sitting in a restaurant with my mum and unable to eat just crying, and all I wanted was to be with him.  I grieved as if he had passed away, and even though I ended it I felt like the loss was insurmountable. It was hard to let go.

Three years after breaking up we entered the legal system to hand control over to a Judge to make a ruling on the home we had bought, decorated and furnished together. I had to sit in the stand and bear my soul to a Judge, legal teams and in the presence of his Dad and my Sister, it was the most upsetting, indescribably raw moment of my life. I had loved him and here he was before the court saying that our relationship was an investment.

So now all these years later I discovered through social media and by total coincidence that he is in a new relationship and is a Dad to the most beautiful baby boy. Even writing this I feel like I am doing myself a dishonor. I am just so shocked by my reaction to this it is hard to put into words. It is like my past has infiltrated my current mind and drawn me back in time. Each day I play the role of someone always in control but this has now stirred a lot of emotion in me.

I suppose in all honesty If I was reading this about someone else, I would be saying ‘get over yourself, the relationship ended and you moved on, it was a different time in your lives, age brings maturity, you broke up for a lot of reasons this is crazy, everyone moves on, he has met someone who he wants all those things with’ and that is true he has.

Frankly I feel that the discovery of him now as a Dad I could never have imagined because I suppose you feel like it was only you who knew that person and you forget that their live moves on and their path changes. They form new relationships; they are not the same person that you once knew. At the time what I wanted with him he didn’t and time has now passed and he has discovered all of that with someone else and that is it! The circle of life!

C’est la vie!


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